Realization

There are so~ many topic dat I want to write
I don’t think I’ll manage to write all of them
Still, I can but try

On Sunday morning
I got 1 missed call from +81………..; which is an international number
It’s around japan, korea or china I suppose
my heart seems running so~ fast
i was thinking – ‘was it him?’
sooner or later he will come back
maybe, he’s hepi wif his life rite now
and hence, I hav nothng to claim from him
since i oready fend him off
It’s a point of no return
sure he ARE sensible enough to realize that

every other person in this world hates regrets
it will forces u to sulk for so many hours
while you sud doing some other productive things…
there are more realistic things to do
shame on me!!!
I sud just ignore the hooey ‘bout dis matter
Yes i did owed him something
and it’s nothing more than an apology
we r so young during that time and I don’t even sure wat I want in d 1st place
wat d heck…….
I oready make it clear
Even so, I did hurt him
hehe….wat goes around comes around

Acceptance and forgiveness is still in learning process
I accept that I can’t manage to get everything that I want
I accept my flaws
I accept my life as wat it is
Even so, I also learn to make my life better

maybe it IS true that I always live my life in d way that I want it to be
It’s true that I manage to get everything in my life (before)
It’s true that ‘hana x suka hidup susah’
(and oo…. ‘x suka’ dgn ‘x boleh’ is a 2 different thing!!why we sud hidup susah kalo bley berusaha to make our life better.duh……..)
but
I forgive even things turned ugly
I forgive that I can’t get every single thing dat I want anymore
I forgive all d flaws
Even so, i DIDN’T FORGET!!!!

I’ve been hurt in d worst ways to d extend I even think dat there is no other way can hurt me anymore
I don’t even cry about that matter nowadays
Keras hatikah hana!!??
There are times my vivid emotions and memories coming back
and wishing that things can turn into normal
But
i can’t even remember how d ‘normal’ really look like

For d past few days
There are many of my frens, complimented me by saying that I’m look happier these days (if it’s 6-7 people it’s considered as many ok!even 2 oready considerd as many in bhs melayu kan?)
they even give me a various of reason dat cause of my happiness
Alas, none of them are right
I’m happy cos my perspective twds life has changed
I’m not seeing my life as half empty anymore
Even sume org melayu ckp ‘half full’ kan!?
(kalo air dlm gls mesti org ckp ‘kenapa x penuh air dlm tu?’ bknnye ‘kenapa ade kosong dlm cawan tu?’)
now, I really understood wat’s half full meant for
eventho I ‘lost’ some1 dat is so~ important to me
and hey…..i’m not talking about my lovelife
it’s involves a relationship dat can never be change
even in d here-after
even sometimes…I really want to…… L
Sure I’m not content; it’s a human nature
we can never feel enough
Yet i AM happy
as I accepted and forgave
I’ve learn that it is easier to put a smile on my face
and yes…I smile a lot these days

I realized people can changed
I’m also changed
I’m less whining nowadays
accepting things as how it turned to be
since I believe ‘others’ may want to be in my shoes
and always hav dis kind of imagination how great my life was

I also realized….betapa ALLAH maha adil
no one can have a perfect life
All dis while, I almost got a such perfect life
But hey…..’life wifout adventure is not a life afterall’
It did teach me d real meaning of life
Changed my point of view

I’ve accept that life doesn’t always involves in recognition
it is due to my failure to achieve 1st class honour in my degree
When last semester result went out
I was so~ depressed when I knew dat I will nvr be able to get d 1st honour degree
Not even if I score perfect point in dis sem; 4.00!!
Second and first is a BIG different for me
Lain la kalo second upper and second lower!!kan…~?
some might think that I am not grateful wif wat I achieved
yes….i did manage to get the dean list
But, I assumed I cud do better
wif that kind of result which is ckp2 je for d DL
It’s official dat I cudn’t rewarding myself for 1st class honour during my future convocation
x nak attend convo ler cam nih
Then….so many thought whiz through my mind
so many methods to woo my heart
There are times when I felt that some of those who manage to graduated wif d 1st class honour doesn’t even deserve it!!!
See….i am depressed during that moment
Ntah ape2 yg aku piker…..
but then
aftr a few talk wif my sis
i did realized 1st class honour can promise you nothing in d real working life
It cud help you at first, since employer can only based on your result for d 1st impression, but for d long term-it means nothing
but hey….i want it as a SELF SATISFACTION
not to showing it around others
i just want to make mak proud of me
and give her somthng that can actually make her smile
That is my very first attention!!!
And I also want to further my study for master degree
which I can nvr make it using my father’s money
which means I need a scholarship!!!!
So, I supposed to be graduated wif 1st honour degree to make it easier
aaaaaah…………..

Huh…………I can breathing now
as I realizes I will nvr be able to graduate wif 1st class honour; I’m less stressing today
I just want to make all the best for my last semester
‘peluang takkan tertutup. Cuma kite kena pandai mencarinye…’
and yes…I’m aiming for d perfect point dis semester
I hope all d luck in dis world may be wif me

And ooo….i’ve found a new way to channel my anger/sadness
no need to go for leisure anymore
Shopping2…makan2….catch movies NO NEED!!
Instead, I swims nowadays
went to pool everyweek wifout a fail
There’s a week I even went there 5 times
and an hour at least at each time
It help me to soothe my mind
and I like it very very very much
furthermore, jimat duit aku; only 50 cent per entry

~nxt learning: I sud be less self-centered
‘trying to be a better person day by day…….’